sometimes i wonder, if one day i really die , who will really remember me ? who will care bout me ? who will ever find that life feels different ? or maybe , will anyone even know that im gone ? maybe ? most likely not . im just a gone case ..


~living in seclusion

okay . today was kinda fun . lol . really laugh like crazy huh . heh . watch movie . walk walk . and we were supposed to study . lmao . anyway , wasn't really enjoying bahh .. just feel that , my life kinda stinks .. find it kinda boring . i feel so siian to do things nowadays and i have no idea why . sigh . no choice huh ? part and parcel of life ? it seems like im the only one affected . im lonely . im left alone . im not significant . im not of any value . ugh . whatever . thats just me ..




~living in seclusion

okay . have been feeling rather crappy this week . just wasn't feeling great . was kinda like , siian , dunno what to do . like very pek chek . seems like wanna explode . its like , you wanna do his yet you dont want . you wanna go somewhere and yet you dont feel like . dont have the mood for homework, studies . not even games or playing ball . what the hell is happening ? zz . i lose my cool easily, and that is so not good . it's gonna start affecting people around me and that i what i hate the most . argh . god damn it . why cant i be what i used to be ? im so left out . stranded , nothing to save me . im gonna be like that .. figured that out yah ? finally woken up to that cold hard truth .



~reality hurts

22 july 2006, Saturday

woke up at 530am . wth . suppose to meet SOMEONE for breakfast . then in the end cancelled . zz . nehh mind . went back to sleep . set alarm at 6. in the end got up at 630 . omg . like so late ?! supposed to meet at 7 . chiong go bathe and reached in time . heng . okay okay . skip the details . took part in the Heritage race . Fun On Foot or something . started off at 9 ? should be bahh .then hor . chiong lor . skip those things. the only thing that i wanna highlight is that Mr Tnia was like super enthu ? everytime navigate until reach check point i would go ' eh . zhao peng, your favourite [ which is to answer the questions ] " . the next moment , he will thing the answer booklet and chiong towards the questions board . woots . at least we dont need to answer . lala~ skip skip skip . ending point! finally ended . not much people . mostly from educational section . we like , the first few ' corporate ' peeps to arrive . but . when the fcking awards come , we didnt get nuts . i think is our questions never answer correctly lor . aiya . heck . what can we do ? we competing with ADULTS lehh . we didnt sign up under EDUCATIONAL institutes . hehe . for that , great achievement . wahaha . bleahs . in the end still never win -.- crap . at least faster then jeremy's group . somemore before race start can boast that they plan the route liao -.- and he also said ' may the best man win ' . bleahs . crap .


23 july 2006, Sunday

woots!! had fun today worr . went watch movie at Plaza sing first . watch the .. err . cant remember what . so-so only . then took bus to east coast park . suppose go there one . then in the end changed to jalan jalan in ParkwayParade . YaY~ ate lots of sweets . ate lots of food . gonna be fat . omg . bought new slippers too . [ finally got my slippers ] wahha . enjoyed myself so much wor!!

~ Happy Anniversary . =D

haix . my life really stinks . i dont have any real friends do I ? heard some things bahh . dunno if it's true ? hmm . the friends i have , some of them , they wanna like just to maybe err ... because i can help them in something ? or maybe when bored that time i will accompany them ? yeah .. that kind . whatever . im lonely to begin with .. doesnt really matter . the thing is , i cant stand the fact that im like treating like something . in a way which is to get it for an advantage . for example , i wanna be friends with xxx . whenever he asks me go play or whatever , i would go . why ? cos he can coach me in studies . so must go with xxx or not he/she will not teach me . haixx . i dont like that ? who can i pour out my sorrows to ? do i have anyone really reliable , trustworthy ? i guess noT ? i dunno . im so lost . studies , im getting worse , socially deproving . zzz . friends are already starting to badmouth me . lol . whatever bahhs . doesnt matter . im numbed by these stuff . it's all part of a fuc*ed up life . it's a package .



~my sorrows are bottled up in me

day by day , my life gets more and more crappy . the never ending list of things to be done . will it ever end ? the torture of having so much things to do . i can't catch up with that pace . it's just too hectic . i have no freedom . my life seems controlled . am i just a mere puppet being controlled ? when will that strings that are attached to me ever gets cut off . when will this puppet be able to move on its own accord ? when..? i guess that day will not arrive till a long time later .. my net , when will it ever be fixed? im like a trapped being . i cant go out to do things . you want me to stay home . fine . what can i say . you are the BIG SHOT after all . but , i cant even use the internet properly . woots ? is it my fuc*ing fault that my bro dont wanna study ? so what if i push him . with his attitude , you think that will work ? thats too naive of you . haix . crap it . i get jealous whenever my friends stay out late . i get jealous whenever they seem to enjoy using the net . why cant that happen to me ? haix . im running short of cash . im having a cash flow prob . bleahs . stinking life . enough of that .. well .. played ball today. kinda fun ? whatever . no mood to talk bout anything . cya around . lotsa things to do . and hell , there's geog tmr . argh . fuc* off .

what do you really want me to do before i get my freedom ? is it really wrong ? argh . i cant take this shit anymore . you used to tell me ' get good results first then say lahh ' . im fine with it . i did well and so ? does what you say make any sense at all ? i merely just want that spare bit of time to do my own stuff . everyday is just study study study . after school , extra lessons or cca . even if i dont have such activities , go tiong makan then study or do homework . then i would just go play ball . cant i even play damn fuc*king ball ? whats wrong with that ? it is EXERCISE . you'd rather me hang out at some stupid arcades or LAN shops wasting my time away ? isn't it good that im doing something more construtive ? okay , maybe it's my fault that im home too lat e . but , at least you know what im doing and where i am . what's the point of studying so hard if that's the fuck*ing case ? you study like one mad fuc*er , trying so hard to get what you want . in the end , what you want is not what you're gonna get . you're just gonna get told off for doing something thats not really wrong . i dont see the point . you want me to come home ? but if im home , what can i do ? stare at the computer , spoil my eyes and waste time ? kinda like not constructive ? argh . whatever . so what if i get 2 full marks ? does it make a fuc*ing difference in my life ? okay . you may say that you do something not to get something in return but to do it because you wanna do it . but , my point is , can i get the freedom i want ? is it really that wrong for doing that ? even if i go out to study and sort of got too engrossed in studying and get home late i still get crap . what's wrong with STUDYING ? isn't that what you want ? argh . i dont see a point in my life . life itself is kinda meaningless to begin with . you fuc*ing study like mad , to get a good job . once you get a good job, you slog like one madass and whats the point ? zz . forget it . life in unfair . haix . im just like a bird stuck in the cage , never ever will i come out .


will things be better?
~trapped

woots ! net again . shiok . zz . my dad still dun wanna get me a net connection . all my bro's fault . dad say he play too much lor . zz . sibei siian . anyways , amaths sucks . zz . today go do the hols homework with munwah . fcking difficult lor . zz . bo bian . who ask me hols nehh study . regret . nevermind . wait till finished all the homework liao then start to study again . needs lotsa practice if not sure mati . zz . hmm . bored at home . dunno what to do . want to study , no one to study with ? zz . whatever . off to do my amaths . or maybe slack around . cya ..

woots . im connected to the net again . couldnt go online for the past week .
bored like #$*& . haha . anyways , nothing much to say . pia homework week ? lol . bo bian . school's started and i didnt finish my homework . zz .anyway , bb ytd was terrible sia . those 35j [zhangde primary ] kids came for games . kao . the p2s i was incharge of hor , super the buay tahan . thye keep falling down one . must run here run there . get first aid kit , apply for them . zzz . anyway . enough of that . NCO meeting was next . and i had a crappy agenda . nevermind . i survived that . woots . heng wor . mr kang was in a good mood ? never shout . what a miricle sia . and that stupid janvin pon . xD anyway . 2hr 45mins of meeting . siianzzzzzzz . went queensway to buy my shoe with wilson and zhaopeng . woot . broke liao . T.T anyway . cya . hope i get my internet fixed soon .